If comedy is about timing, then I’m afraid to say God would not make a very good comedian. I’m sure he’d do fine if he had a good writer, but as far as his original material goes; I’d suggest skipping his upcoming HBO Special; “Yahweh on Broadway.”
Seriously, not to be all, “Woe is me,” but woe is fucking-me. I can’t seem to catch a break these days. I move back home thinking I’m walking into a solid hook up; getting to work on some gardening and my writing, only to find out that there were way too many weeds to pull and not enough paper to write on. So I thought I could squat at a residence for a bit, then the residence decides to finally get off its ass and move on. Then I figure I could start a voyage, only to have it get postponed due to rain delay, costing the team a pretty penny.
After I finally get my bag packed and hit the tracks, thinking my hardship is behind me, God decides to once again dangle the sweetest fruit ever in front of me, getting me to jump through hoop after hoop until I finally give up on it, at which point he’s like, “You can have some if you want.” I begin to take a bite then the mother-fucker, with his self-righteous voice, yells, “LAST CALL!”
What a fucking sadist.
It’s not surprising though, just read the Bible. When does God ever hook anyone up? First he acts like Adam is his best-fucking-friend, then he pulls out his rib to make this chick Eve, who turns around and sells him out to some snake for a fucking piece of fruit. I’ve heard of the old adage, “Not if you were the last man on Earth,” but this was the first man on Earth, and the mother-fucker got pinned the fuck out.
There’s even an entire book where all God does is fuck around with this one dude Job; he kills his kids, his wife, his live stock, his crops, turns him into a cripple, and when it’s all said and done God’s like, “jk. lol.”
God doesn’t even give Job a fucking reward or parting gift or anything, he just gives him all his shit back and acts like he should be thankful or some shit. So the poor fuck, naturally after having some super-deity treat his life like a bear playing around with a little bunny rabbit, has no option but to act all grateful, “Thank you Lord for the valuable lesson.”
Dude, the instant someone demands that you call them “Lord,” you should have a pretty good idea where that relationship is going.
And I’m over this shit about, “Everything happens for a reason.” Of course it happens for a reason, the reason that led up to it. Just because you ended up making the best out of a bad situation doesn’t mean the bad situation meant to do it so you’d end up happier. That’s exactly what the jerk-ass circumstance wants you to think, “I meant to beat the shit out of you so you’d become a stronger person.”
What an asshole.
You made yourself happier. Things don’t happen in order to create future situations, they happen because of the past events that caused it. Gravity makes things fall, things don’t fall so you’ll learn to get out of the way. You got out of the way because you were paying attention.
My train wasn’t canceled so that I would meet some people in the process, the train was canceled because of bad weather, and I met some people in the process because I make the most out of any situation.
I’m open and flexible.
I don’t hold on to the past, or rather, I let go of it as soon as possible. If that means I have to write a song, or write some rant on my personal blog, then that’s what I do, in fact, that’s what I’m doing right now…
If God is trying to write a romantic-comedy with my life he forgot the part about it being funny. And while we are talking about it, “romantic-comedy” is completely redundant; all comedies are romances. When someone says “romantic-comedy” it usually means they didn’t try that hard at making it funny.
So I guess God actually is writing a romantic-comedy…zing!
You see, usually in a comedy the hero goes through some ups-and-downs, over comes some personal challenge, has a series of laughs, and finally, after proving himself, wins the girl, or guy if that’s what he’s into (being from San Francisco I have to add that).
In this “Rom-Com” (that’s what they call them in Europe…I’m cultured like that) God forgot the winning part. Seems to be a running theme with his human involvement. Hey, maybe that’s the problem; God just doesn’t get people. He keeps thinking that we can’t wait to die and that some amazing afterlife makes up for all his crap. It’s like he’s an abusive husband who tries to make up with beating his wife by bringing home flowers and a crappy chick-flick. Which means Christians are like abused house wives that keep saying he hits them because he cares, “But see, he loves us…”
Not to sound crazy or anything, but I personally like life, and would actually like it to work out. I’m not trying to say my life is shitty, it’s actually pretty amazing; I was born in one of the most affluent areas in the world, I have a good family, amazing friends, I’m healthy, have decently good looks, I’m smart, creative, and have been relatively successful in my work.
Maybe what I’m getting over is the tease. The dangling of the carrot. The, “You’re just about to have your life turned up to 11.” Only to find out that 11 is just the same as 10…and yes I do realize that I just spent the last page-and-a-half bitching about having the perfect life.
God, I can’t even make it through a good “woe is me” rant without realizing for myself that my shit is pretty fucking set…that’s how fucking set I am.
…well played Yahweh.